A Place of Healing

It’s summer time!!! Yet it feels like the most awkward summer ever. Why? All I can figure out is I have nothing to rest from. Well, I mean, I had a hell of a year in many respects, and I’m not denying that fact in any way, form, or fashion. But summer break is usually the time I get to recover from a long year of work or schooling, and for the first time, I am actually ready to be AT work and school instead.

But I must say, I did work my tail off this year in other ways. Sure, I quit med school, but God and I joined together in some serious heart-reconstruction surgery, and it was messy. It’s unbelievable how much God changed in my life this year. The maturity and growth is encouraging, and yet, I still have a long way to go.

Honestly, I try to forget how traumatic everything was, especially the anxiety and the constant pain that caused it. I like to pretend it was all a bad dream, and I’m awake now never to return. But it wasn’t a bad dream—it was a bad reality. It happened. It was horrible. But it was necessary.

God knows how necessary all the suffering really was. I mean, the truth of the matter is this: I NEVER would have withdrawn from med school if I hadn’t been so sick, meaning I would have been stuck with a less-than-best plan for my life. I wouldn’t have had the time to start seeing a counselor nor would I have deallt with my parents’ divorce, my enslavement to people-pleasing, the bondage of perfectionism and defining myself by what I do, my pride, my desire to avoid conflict at even the cost of distorting the truth, and my complete and utter fear of failure. The list could go on. All this stuff has been deep down inside of me, rotting me away all my life, while I achieved and strived to succeed at everything else in order to hopefully come to a place where I could finally feel content and at peace with myself.

The worst part of all the chronic pain and disillusionment was the silence I experienced from God. But I can even see why that had to occur in hindsight. To put it simply, I had the wrong view of God, and that had to be done away with. Through watching my parents' marriage dissolve, and through losing my health and my dream of becoming a physician, all my misunderstandings of God and his word came to the surface. I joined a 9 month study on the book of Isaiah that shined the light on all the idols of my heart, the worst one being the idol of self. I joined a small group Larry Crabb study called Inside-Out, which revealed the great sin of my heart with which I learned God is far more concerned than relieving my pain. And I was able to build relationships I never would have had the time to invest in. I also experienced a level of anxiety, panic, and depression that will forever help me comfort and encourage those who suffer from the same debilitating ailments. And most importantly, I grew in my knowledge of God through the sufferings of Christ and through the gentle work of the Spirit.

This year I learned from experience what the book of Job is all about—that no one is good, that God is sovereign over Satan and sufferings, and under no circumstances can I demand anything from him, not even relief from what appears to be unjust pain. God can and will do what pleases him, and he loves me more than anyone, so I must trust him in the darkest of storms. He gives and he takes away—and I must praise his name. He is the author of both calamity and blessing, and God knows I need them both. He created everything, so who I am to question his will? This year, my demanding spirit was silenced as God showed me who he really is, shattering all my misconceptions. I was taught by the rod of discipline that following Jesus is not about serving God to receive the "good life" but it's about dying to my obsession with comfort and ease in order to share in the sufferings of Christ, becoming like Him in his death, and embracing His will for my life whatever the cost.

This year I also experienced Solomon’s refrain in Ecclesiastes that “Everything is meaningless.” That is the line of one who is truly depressed after being faced with one’s complete and utter emptiness and helplessness. During my depression this year, nothing brought me joy. Nothing. I didn’t want to live any longer nor did I think I would anyway. I couldn’t see the point in anything, and my life felt more like a vapor than ever before. I came to the point where all I wanted to do was feel well enough again to serve the Lord and serve others until the day I die knowing that people and God are the only things that last. I saw life's fleeting pleasures for what they are--a pile of dung--and I longed more than ever for eternity, the place my heart was born to be set on.

I learned a lot about myself this year—I learned that I actually do love flowers, fresh ones, in pretty vases all around the house. I don’t mind the color pink or dressing up when there’s a reason to. I learned life’s too short to worry about all my insecurities. I have to choose to dance even when there’s so many reasons to sit out. I learned that relationships are the grounds on which God does His work. I love getting into a person’s heart and listening to their story. I care about their spirit, their emotions, their social life, their sufferings, and their questions about God. I care about helping people see God in their pain more than just relieving it!! This time last year, I was scared to death inside about the uneasiness of beginning at VCOM. And now, here I am a year later FREE. Free to live out God’s best for my life. I've arrived at a place of healing, and not just physical healing, but holistic restoration of mind, body, and soul. Let all that is in me PRAISE the Lord.