Welcome to the Wasteland

I have thought a lot about how to express coherently what my life has been like the past 4-5 months, but every time I try to write about it all, I find myself too overwhelmed to complete it. But I want to get something out here, so I will just use an analogy my husband gave me that best describes my body presently.

My body is like a city that has been a warzone for several years. It appears as if a peace treaty has finally been signed, but the city looks like a ransacked wasteland. The fighting is over, I hope, but the city is in ruins. I feel like I have been wrecked in every part of my being. It's going to take a while for my body to rebuild, for my emotions to be sorted through, and my spiritual life to be recovered. My life has been so chaotic for so long, I don't recall normalcy. I have tasted discouragement, fear, and pain like I've never known before.


But I know that God is answering the prayers of believers everywhere, because I am starting to see improvements. I have to believe that God's love for me never changes, and he knows what's going on. I have no choice but to wait for Him. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fighter. I've done and am doing all I know to do to restore health to my body, mind, and soul. I've done it all...exhausted the medical system, visited counselors, both spiritual and psychological, and I have asked hard questions of God in anger one moment and then I've found myself on my face in tears the next moment, begging Him for relief or at least a knowledge of his presence in the storm.

I don't know "why" all these things have happened in my life. There are too many layers for my finite mind to sort through. And everyone has their own idea of why I've been so sick for so long, which is normal...we as humans like to understand the "whys." I know that I sure have wrestled with God about it all, but I'll tell you what he seems to be telling me: "Trust me, Jana. Lean not on your own understanding."

I hate that because when I understand the cause of something, I can usually fix it or at least feel some element of control in my sufferings, but this season of my life has been nothing less than a hurricane...
an F5 tornado...
a transfer truck collision...
a disabling disease without remedy...
a shattering of my jar of clay on the floor of confusion, disappointment, and pain.

Welcome to the Wasteland, for that is what I am. I never thought God would want me here, in this desert, parched and dry, with nothing but a memory of water. What can he do with a ruin of rubble? I thought my plans were his plans--to become a doctor along with my husband and bring medicine to the lost people of the world. All my life, I've strived hard with everything in me to please Him in order to become someone usable for his Kingdom, and well, he has surprised me with something I never saw coming. He caused, designed, or allowed me to be absolutely stripped clean of everything I once relied on and hoped for.

I have to believe that His hand is upon me, even now, and that he is doing something that will ultimately bring glory to His name. It's not how I would have planned it, but who knows the mind of God that we can instruct Him? I am dust in the winds of His mighty power, and I will settle where he lets me fall. It's uncomfortable to be in such a place of neediness, grief, and perplexity. But who can complain? What have I given to God that he should repay me?

Waiting on you in the Wasteland, God...not my will, but yours be done. I have no direction for the future, no plans, no job, no responsibilities. I'm just waiting on you.