"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live, and that everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil--this is the gift of God" Ecclesiastes 3:11-3, NIV
My church family here is Blacksburg (eblacksburg.com) has been going through the book of Ecclesiastes for the past month, and I honestly have to say I never could have guessed how much God would show me through Solomon's words of wisdom. What is the Christian life? In American Christian culture, we only hear from the pastors of mega churches, the authors of bestselling books, and the missionary biographies of the extreme sort, and I don't know about you, but I've been deceived into thinking that following Christ means I have to do something "big" for him. Nevertheless, Ecclesiastes has shed a bright light on that myth, exposing the insanity of it. And I've been contemplating over the question, "What does the Christian life really look like?"
Solomon makes a statement a few times in Ecclesiastes that is shocking in our culture. He says the GIFT of GOD to man is this: for a man to accept his lot and to be happy in his work (5:19). Solomon continues on to say that when a person is able to do this, he seldom reflects on the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. Whoa, hold on a second! Could this mean that God is most pleased when we are content to find joy in what he has given us? And then God keeps us busy with the joy in our heart, not busy with an overabundance of Christian activities? Where is the part about all the good stuff I need to accomplish for God and his Kingdom?
Here it is again: "There is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work because that is his lot (3:22)." And again: "What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This is meaningless. A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment (2:22-25)?"
I have always had a driven personality, and I've been known to take my performance-focused nature too far, yet I've always felt justified in my mind because I thought I was sacrificing my body, my time, and my rest for Kingdom work! But this is absurd! All my anxious thoughts, endless striving and laboring, and my not taking a day of rest so I could cram in more work, and watching my health suffer under the weight of my self-imposed stress...how could any of this be godly? Not only does God not require these things of me, but it goes against his Word and turns out to be a miserable business! I am relieved to discover that this is not the Christian life. So now that it is clear what the Christian life is NOT, I want to share more about what I'm learning it IS...
I've been reading an excellent book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (totally recommend it; it's short). I won't spoil it for you, but the major theme is to realize that ALL is GIFT (James 1:17).What do you have that you did not receive (1 Corinthians 4:7)? The best part about Ann, the author, is that she lives a very simple life. She is married to a farmer, and serves as a home-school mom full-time. She keeps a list of things she is thankful for (hence the title), and it helps her to see God in everything, even the bad. "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble (Job 2:10)?" Naked we come into this world and naked we will leave. The Lord gives and he takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised (Job 1:21-22)."
The Christian life is being joyful always, praying continually, and giving thanks in ALL circumstances,for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thess. 5:16-18).This passage used to sound like another item on my Christian do-to list that I knew I'd never accomplish until I read this book and I realized how naturally it comes about when we live resting in the NEW COVENANT! Prayer is just a conversation with God, and if we are seeing everything in our lives as gifts to thank God for, the conversation never grows dull.
I think of Paul who spent the first part of his life enslaved to the law. When Christ came into his life, he was SO GRATEFUL to be free of the relentless uphill battle of trying to win God’s favor through obeying rules. When the Jews of the Jerusalem Council wanted to force the Gentile believers to be circumcised and to obey the Mosaic Law, Paul was furious! “How is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?” he asks in Galatians 4:9. Weak. Miserable. That’s what it feels like to try to do everything the right way all the time.
"What happened to your joy?”he asks. Well, I know what happened to it. It was sucked dry by the guilt-recommitment-failure cycle every believer has experienced.We were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ so that we might be justified by faith (Gal. 3:22-25). The law is our escort to Christ!
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery"(Gal. 5:1). Our yoke in the New Covenant is the yoke of entrusting everything to Christ, and he says it is easy (Matt. 11:29). Why is it easy?? Jesus has done it all for us! And he gives us his spirit so that his law is written on our hearts, enabling us to please God! What we do and say have nothing to do with our justification. The only thing that counts is “faith expressing itself through love" (5:6) and becoming a “new creation” (6:15) through the powerful work of the Spirit.
To my sinful tendency to receive favor, acceptance, and praise from others, Paul says clearly, "If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ (1:10)." I cannot have my heart set on making others see me in a certain light; I’m a sinner! I am a sinner saved by the grace of God through faith in the perfect blood of the lamb. Man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus. By observing the law, no one will be justified. If righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing (Gal. 2:16, 21)!
When I try to do what I should out of guilt or pressure and I succeed by trying harder, the result is always PRIDE. If I do not succeed, it is despair. God saves us by grace so that no man can boast in anything but the cross of Christ (6:14).When I try to earn or maintain favor with God by doing and saying the “right” things, I am under a curse, for all who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law (3:10)." Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us (3:13).
Maybe this entry should have been split into two...oops! It's just that I've been learning and growing so much I just feel like I'm about to explode, and I think I just did.The pressure is off, brothers and sisters; where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! Freedom to live as we were made to live.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
A Place of Healing
It’s summer time!!! Yet it feels like the most awkward summer ever. Why? All I can figure out is I have nothing to rest from. Well, I mean, I had a hell of a year in many respects, and I’m not denying that fact in any way, form, or fashion. But summer break is usually the time I get to recover from a long year of work or schooling, and for the first time, I am actually ready to be AT work and school instead.
But I must say, I did work my tail off this year in other ways. Sure, I quit med school, but God and I joined together in some serious heart-reconstruction surgery, and it was messy. It’s unbelievable how much God changed in my life this year. The maturity and growth is encouraging, and yet, I still have a long way to go.
Honestly, I try to forget how traumatic everything was, especially the anxiety and the constant pain that caused it. I like to pretend it was all a bad dream, and I’m awake now never to return. But it wasn’t a bad dream—it was a bad reality. It happened. It was horrible. But it was necessary.
God knows how necessary all the suffering really was. I mean, the truth of the matter is this: I NEVER would have withdrawn from med school if I hadn’t been so sick, meaning I would have been stuck with a less-than-best plan for my life. I wouldn’t have had the time to start seeing a counselor nor would I have deallt with my parents’ divorce, my enslavement to people-pleasing, the bondage of perfectionism and defining myself by what I do, my pride, my desire to avoid conflict at even the cost of distorting the truth, and my complete and utter fear of failure. The list could go on. All this stuff has been deep down inside of me, rotting me away all my life, while I achieved and strived to succeed at everything else in order to hopefully come to a place where I could finally feel content and at peace with myself.
The worst part of all the chronic pain and disillusionment was the silence I experienced from God. But I can even see why that had to occur in hindsight. To put it simply, I had the wrong view of God, and that had to be done away with. Through watching my parents' marriage dissolve, and through losing my health and my dream of becoming a physician, all my misunderstandings of God and his word came to the surface. I joined a 9 month study on the book of Isaiah that shined the light on all the idols of my heart, the worst one being the idol of self. I joined a small group Larry Crabb study called Inside-Out, which revealed the great sin of my heart with which I learned God is far more concerned than relieving my pain. And I was able to build relationships I never would have had the time to invest in. I also experienced a level of anxiety, panic, and depression that will forever help me comfort and encourage those who suffer from the same debilitating ailments. And most importantly, I grew in my knowledge of God through the sufferings of Christ and through the gentle work of the Spirit.
This year I learned from experience what the book of Job is all about—that no one is good, that God is sovereign over Satan and sufferings, and under no circumstances can I demand anything from him, not even relief from what appears to be unjust pain. God can and will do what pleases him, and he loves me more than anyone, so I must trust him in the darkest of storms. He gives and he takes away—and I must praise his name. He is the author of both calamity and blessing, and God knows I need them both. He created everything, so who I am to question his will? This year, my demanding spirit was silenced as God showed me who he really is, shattering all my misconceptions. I was taught by the rod of discipline that following Jesus is not about serving God to receive the "good life" but it's about dying to my obsession with comfort and ease in order to share in the sufferings of Christ, becoming like Him in his death, and embracing His will for my life whatever the cost.
This year I also experienced Solomon’s refrain in Ecclesiastes that “Everything is meaningless.” That is the line of one who is truly depressed after being faced with one’s complete and utter emptiness and helplessness. During my depression this year, nothing brought me joy. Nothing. I didn’t want to live any longer nor did I think I would anyway. I couldn’t see the point in anything, and my life felt more like a vapor than ever before. I came to the point where all I wanted to do was feel well enough again to serve the Lord and serve others until the day I die knowing that people and God are the only things that last. I saw life's fleeting pleasures for what they are--a pile of dung--and I longed more than ever for eternity, the place my heart was born to be set on.
I learned a lot about myself this year—I learned that I actually do love flowers, fresh ones, in pretty vases all around the house. I don’t mind the color pink or dressing up when there’s a reason to. I learned life’s too short to worry about all my insecurities. I have to choose to dance even when there’s so many reasons to sit out. I learned that relationships are the grounds on which God does His work. I love getting into a person’s heart and listening to their story. I care about their spirit, their emotions, their social life, their sufferings, and their questions about God. I care about helping people see God in their pain more than just relieving it!! This time last year, I was scared to death inside about the uneasiness of beginning at VCOM. And now, here I am a year later FREE. Free to live out God’s best for my life. I've arrived at a place of healing, and not just physical healing, but holistic restoration of mind, body, and soul. Let all that is in me PRAISE the Lord.
But I must say, I did work my tail off this year in other ways. Sure, I quit med school, but God and I joined together in some serious heart-reconstruction surgery, and it was messy. It’s unbelievable how much God changed in my life this year. The maturity and growth is encouraging, and yet, I still have a long way to go.
Honestly, I try to forget how traumatic everything was, especially the anxiety and the constant pain that caused it. I like to pretend it was all a bad dream, and I’m awake now never to return. But it wasn’t a bad dream—it was a bad reality. It happened. It was horrible. But it was necessary.
God knows how necessary all the suffering really was. I mean, the truth of the matter is this: I NEVER would have withdrawn from med school if I hadn’t been so sick, meaning I would have been stuck with a less-than-best plan for my life. I wouldn’t have had the time to start seeing a counselor nor would I have deallt with my parents’ divorce, my enslavement to people-pleasing, the bondage of perfectionism and defining myself by what I do, my pride, my desire to avoid conflict at even the cost of distorting the truth, and my complete and utter fear of failure. The list could go on. All this stuff has been deep down inside of me, rotting me away all my life, while I achieved and strived to succeed at everything else in order to hopefully come to a place where I could finally feel content and at peace with myself.
The worst part of all the chronic pain and disillusionment was the silence I experienced from God. But I can even see why that had to occur in hindsight. To put it simply, I had the wrong view of God, and that had to be done away with. Through watching my parents' marriage dissolve, and through losing my health and my dream of becoming a physician, all my misunderstandings of God and his word came to the surface. I joined a 9 month study on the book of Isaiah that shined the light on all the idols of my heart, the worst one being the idol of self. I joined a small group Larry Crabb study called Inside-Out, which revealed the great sin of my heart with which I learned God is far more concerned than relieving my pain. And I was able to build relationships I never would have had the time to invest in. I also experienced a level of anxiety, panic, and depression that will forever help me comfort and encourage those who suffer from the same debilitating ailments. And most importantly, I grew in my knowledge of God through the sufferings of Christ and through the gentle work of the Spirit.
This year I learned from experience what the book of Job is all about—that no one is good, that God is sovereign over Satan and sufferings, and under no circumstances can I demand anything from him, not even relief from what appears to be unjust pain. God can and will do what pleases him, and he loves me more than anyone, so I must trust him in the darkest of storms. He gives and he takes away—and I must praise his name. He is the author of both calamity and blessing, and God knows I need them both. He created everything, so who I am to question his will? This year, my demanding spirit was silenced as God showed me who he really is, shattering all my misconceptions. I was taught by the rod of discipline that following Jesus is not about serving God to receive the "good life" but it's about dying to my obsession with comfort and ease in order to share in the sufferings of Christ, becoming like Him in his death, and embracing His will for my life whatever the cost.
This year I also experienced Solomon’s refrain in Ecclesiastes that “Everything is meaningless.” That is the line of one who is truly depressed after being faced with one’s complete and utter emptiness and helplessness. During my depression this year, nothing brought me joy. Nothing. I didn’t want to live any longer nor did I think I would anyway. I couldn’t see the point in anything, and my life felt more like a vapor than ever before. I came to the point where all I wanted to do was feel well enough again to serve the Lord and serve others until the day I die knowing that people and God are the only things that last. I saw life's fleeting pleasures for what they are--a pile of dung--and I longed more than ever for eternity, the place my heart was born to be set on.
I learned a lot about myself this year—I learned that I actually do love flowers, fresh ones, in pretty vases all around the house. I don’t mind the color pink or dressing up when there’s a reason to. I learned life’s too short to worry about all my insecurities. I have to choose to dance even when there’s so many reasons to sit out. I learned that relationships are the grounds on which God does His work. I love getting into a person’s heart and listening to their story. I care about their spirit, their emotions, their social life, their sufferings, and their questions about God. I care about helping people see God in their pain more than just relieving it!! This time last year, I was scared to death inside about the uneasiness of beginning at VCOM. And now, here I am a year later FREE. Free to live out God’s best for my life. I've arrived at a place of healing, and not just physical healing, but holistic restoration of mind, body, and soul. Let all that is in me PRAISE the Lord.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Tribute to My Dance Partner
The idea for this blog was inspired by the Andrew Peterson song “Dancing in Minefields” on his album Counting Stars. I endured a long week of illness at David’s parents’ house in Siler City, NC, being cared for and driven back and forth to Dr. Vaughan in Greensboro. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life—not only was I sicker than I could ever remember feeling and scared stiff, but I was without my better half, who was in Blacksburg, VA, taking his block 2 med school finals.
I knew he’d be coming to visit me over his block break, and I looked forward to it daily, but I was saddened because before I went downhill again health-wise, I had promised him I would find a cabin for us to stay in over his break so we could get away and rest together.
We’ve had a hard first 1 ½ years of marriage; it’s not been our relationship that has been hard, but our circumstances. We have literally been dancing in minefields since the day we said, “I do.” With all this in mind, you can understand why I so desperately wanted that week break to be in a cabin, for David’s sake. I was too sick to go far away, but then I remembered a beautiful, restored cabin that David had always been fond of located just down the road from his parents’ house. It felt like a far shot in the dark, but I gave the owners a call, and they agreed to let us use it for a whole week! I was as thrilled as I had energy to be.
Even after blind-folding him and driving him around in circles on back roads to create disorientation, he figured out where we were before his eyes were uncovered. Nevertheless, he was so excited, especially about the fireplace (which we both consider to be the epitome of comfort and relaxation). It felt good to see him really smile because it had been a while.
I wish I could tell you that we enjoyed a carefree, dreamy week of cabin bliss, but unfortunately, we attract disaster. If you are one of the poor souls that endured our wedding ceremony slash tempest, you know what I’m talking about. The morning after our first night in the cabin, we awakened to several wasps crawling around the window pane. David killed them, and we decided that having the heat on had encouraged the hatching of some brand new wasp babies into the world.
The next morning, there were about 20 wasps crawling around, some of which were uncomfortably close to our head board. David killed some and set some free. It was starting to get annoying at this point, but we wanted to make it work so badly!
The third morning, there were close to 30 wasps. David decided it was time for the big guns—wasp spray. By this point, he had located where the wasps were coming through the wood. The plan was to spray into the hole to kill the wasps in the nest so we could finish our week of rustic ecstasy. NOPE, didn’t happen that way. Once David sprayed the hole, close to 100 wasps emerged and fell on the floor dead.
To make matters worse, wasps started coming out of another place in the wall—he was under attack! He sprayed and sprayed until the can was empty. The fumes were absolutely unbearable, and I was downstairs! That’s about when he read on the label, “CAUTION: Do not under any circumstances use INDOORS.” Oh, for goodness sakes.
So we retreated back to his parents’ house defeated. On the bright side, we knew we had a good story and valued the privilege of indulging in some much-needed humor. The point of telling this story wasn’t the wasps, though. It was to share what inspired this blog…let’s go back to that.
So the cabin was David’s surprise from me. But he also brought me a surprise—the Counting Stars cd! At the time, I wasn’t sleeping well, even with Ambien and Xanax, due to my constant anxiety and random panic attacks. I would play music at night in case I couldn’t sleep or if I was awakened abruptly by a panic episode, I could listen to the music and try to calm down. Counting Stars proved to be perfect for that—we listened to it every night for a week straight, and during the day, and we never tired of it. It’s that good! It’s quality music with real life lyrics that are honest about pain but always offer hope in Christ—the perfect medicine for a distraught soul.
Although the cd is great for nighttime, David bought it really to show me one song: “Dancing in Minefields”; he had heard it on the radio, and it reminded him of our lives. He went home and looked up the video, which brought tears to his eyes. We listened to it together the night he returned to me, both of us broken and exhausted, as we held each other and wept. The lyrics are as follows:
I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway
We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago
We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
"I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard
Is a good place to begin
'Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price
For the life that we have found
And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me
'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
'Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you
So this is a tribute to the best partner I can fathom having in this dance called life. He has held me tightly in the most unimaginable of storms. No doubt, this is harder than we dreamed, but that's what the promise is for. I love you, David.
I knew he’d be coming to visit me over his block break, and I looked forward to it daily, but I was saddened because before I went downhill again health-wise, I had promised him I would find a cabin for us to stay in over his break so we could get away and rest together.
We’ve had a hard first 1 ½ years of marriage; it’s not been our relationship that has been hard, but our circumstances. We have literally been dancing in minefields since the day we said, “I do.” With all this in mind, you can understand why I so desperately wanted that week break to be in a cabin, for David’s sake. I was too sick to go far away, but then I remembered a beautiful, restored cabin that David had always been fond of located just down the road from his parents’ house. It felt like a far shot in the dark, but I gave the owners a call, and they agreed to let us use it for a whole week! I was as thrilled as I had energy to be.
Even after blind-folding him and driving him around in circles on back roads to create disorientation, he figured out where we were before his eyes were uncovered. Nevertheless, he was so excited, especially about the fireplace (which we both consider to be the epitome of comfort and relaxation). It felt good to see him really smile because it had been a while.
I wish I could tell you that we enjoyed a carefree, dreamy week of cabin bliss, but unfortunately, we attract disaster. If you are one of the poor souls that endured our wedding ceremony slash tempest, you know what I’m talking about. The morning after our first night in the cabin, we awakened to several wasps crawling around the window pane. David killed them, and we decided that having the heat on had encouraged the hatching of some brand new wasp babies into the world.
The next morning, there were about 20 wasps crawling around, some of which were uncomfortably close to our head board. David killed some and set some free. It was starting to get annoying at this point, but we wanted to make it work so badly!
The third morning, there were close to 30 wasps. David decided it was time for the big guns—wasp spray. By this point, he had located where the wasps were coming through the wood. The plan was to spray into the hole to kill the wasps in the nest so we could finish our week of rustic ecstasy. NOPE, didn’t happen that way. Once David sprayed the hole, close to 100 wasps emerged and fell on the floor dead.
To make matters worse, wasps started coming out of another place in the wall—he was under attack! He sprayed and sprayed until the can was empty. The fumes were absolutely unbearable, and I was downstairs! That’s about when he read on the label, “CAUTION: Do not under any circumstances use INDOORS.” Oh, for goodness sakes.
So we retreated back to his parents’ house defeated. On the bright side, we knew we had a good story and valued the privilege of indulging in some much-needed humor. The point of telling this story wasn’t the wasps, though. It was to share what inspired this blog…let’s go back to that.
So the cabin was David’s surprise from me. But he also brought me a surprise—the Counting Stars cd! At the time, I wasn’t sleeping well, even with Ambien and Xanax, due to my constant anxiety and random panic attacks. I would play music at night in case I couldn’t sleep or if I was awakened abruptly by a panic episode, I could listen to the music and try to calm down. Counting Stars proved to be perfect for that—we listened to it every night for a week straight, and during the day, and we never tired of it. It’s that good! It’s quality music with real life lyrics that are honest about pain but always offer hope in Christ—the perfect medicine for a distraught soul.
Although the cd is great for nighttime, David bought it really to show me one song: “Dancing in Minefields”; he had heard it on the radio, and it reminded him of our lives. He went home and looked up the video, which brought tears to his eyes. We listened to it together the night he returned to me, both of us broken and exhausted, as we held each other and wept. The lyrics are as follows:
I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway
We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago
We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
"I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard
Is a good place to begin
'Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price
For the life that we have found
And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me
'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
'Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you
So this is a tribute to the best partner I can fathom having in this dance called life. He has held me tightly in the most unimaginable of storms. No doubt, this is harder than we dreamed, but that's what the promise is for. I love you, David.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Broken Cisterns, Shattered Dreams
"My people have committed two sins: they have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." Jeremiah 2:13
"Blessed in the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17: 7-8
"Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall because it had its foundation on the rock...but everyone who does not put these words into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rains came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash." Matthew 7:24-27
God has me in a very uncomfortable place of weakness out of which I cannot dig myself. It's amazing how you can go through life thinking you depend on God. But it is when you are confronted with circumstances that you find you don't have the personal capacity to overcome that the waterless cisterns you've dug manifest themselves clearly. That's the best description of where I am presently.
I thought I'd built my house on the words of Christ; but what can I say of this mess of building supplies and rubble that surrounds me as I sit shivering and shocked by the effects of the storm? Christ, my foundation and rock, appears to be all that is left standing when I look at my wreck of a life. Only his work in me and through me remains after the fires of refinement have their way. He wants to make sure that everyone knows that Jana Watson Villanueva is nothing, but in Him, she is and has everything. May all people know that there is no one like God!
I am in a long term drought, and all the wells I am accustomed to frequenting for strength, motivation, and purpose are dry. You know what, I don't like to be in a place I can't work my way out of. I hate being vulnerable and being confronted by all of my heart's deceitfulness. It's not what I refer to as a good time to realize that my view of God falls devastatingly short of who He says He is. It's a shame to come face to face with my idols, the most important one to me being my plans, and be forced to give up my security because I'm lost in the wrong identity. Oh, I can't tell you how disturbing it is to sit in a pile of shattered dreams day after day, paralyzed by disappointment, confusion, and fear.
But I have to thank God for it. I have to thank Him for not allowing me to go another year with a false idea of who he is. Who I thought he was has not proved to be enough for me through the storms I've had to endure the past few years...chronic illness, my parents' divorce, suffering with panic attacks, and surrendering dreams I thought the Lord had placed in my heart...it's hard to lose everything that once gave you comfort and satisfaction.
I am used to having the endurance to succeed despite adversity, to tirelessly spend myself on serving others, to run and play sports, and to study large volumes of difficult information. But the decline of my health terminated any possibility of escaping the trauma through doing more, trying harder, and being more disciplined. Long-term giardiasis, migraines, and the crippling anxiety that resulted from malabsorption combined with a host of emotional and spiritual aches and pains have brought me to the end of myself. Any false hope has been burned away--only the real promises of God's Word can offer me relief in my groaning.
When my mom divorced my dad, there went another layer of security. My whole world flipped upside-down. And when fear and panic started to take over my mind through a series of unfortunate events, I lost the security I once found in denying emotional disappointments through mental toughness. The reality of my situation is this: I can't fix this.
So many people who have watched me receive one blow after another in the ring of this broken world have wanted to help me find the solution I need to get through this. My husband, my family, my friends and church family, doctors galore, and so on...everyone wants the pain to be over and for me to thrive,AS DO I, so of course, in my prayerlife with the Lord, I have asked him, "Why do you say you love me the most, more than anyone else, and yet, where are you in my sufferings? What role are you playing in bringing me a remedy?"
Well, the answer I feel he has given me is that what he has planned for me through all of this is more about me learning who he really is than it is about him rescuing me from pain and suffering. The reason why I strive to love people well and even wanted to do medicine in the first place was to make God known. However, to make him known, I have to know him--to know the real Him, the one that is applicable to the desolate, helpless, needy, sick and poor. Before now, I've known the God who has blessed me with everything I could ever want along with success in all my endeavors. But would I praise Him if he wrecked me like Job? Or better yet, will I praise Him now, even when what he is doing is unexpectedly difficult?
All broken cisterns are being cast aside to make room for the spring of living water to flow over my life...all the shattered dreams are being swept up and tossed to make room for God's perfect plan for my life. I have to choose to believe that God is good and that he will rebuild me. For your name's sake, Father, build me up with the bricks that proclaim who you are and what you've done in me! Give me a new dream--one that involves knowing you and representing you in an unpleasant world instead of worshipping you only when life is pleasant.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving-kindness.I WILL BUILD YOU UP AGAIN, and YOU WILL BE REBUILT, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful." -Jeremiah 31:3-4
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Welcome to the Wasteland
I have thought a lot about how to express coherently what my life has been like the past 4-5 months, but every time I try to write about it all, I find myself too overwhelmed to complete it. But I want to get something out here, so I will just use an analogy my husband gave me that best describes my body presently.
My body is like a city that has been a warzone for several years. It appears as if a peace treaty has finally been signed, but the city looks like a ransacked wasteland. The fighting is over, I hope, but the city is in ruins. I feel like I have been wrecked in every part of my being. It's going to take a while for my body to rebuild, for my emotions to be sorted through, and my spiritual life to be recovered. My life has been so chaotic for so long, I don't recall normalcy. I have tasted discouragement, fear, and pain like I've never known before.
But I know that God is answering the prayers of believers everywhere, because I am starting to see improvements. I have to believe that God's love for me never changes, and he knows what's going on. I have no choice but to wait for Him. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fighter. I've done and am doing all I know to do to restore health to my body, mind, and soul. I've done it all...exhausted the medical system, visited counselors, both spiritual and psychological, and I have asked hard questions of God in anger one moment and then I've found myself on my face in tears the next moment, begging Him for relief or at least a knowledge of his presence in the storm.
I don't know "why" all these things have happened in my life. There are too many layers for my finite mind to sort through. And everyone has their own idea of why I've been so sick for so long, which is normal...we as humans like to understand the "whys." I know that I sure have wrestled with God about it all, but I'll tell you what he seems to be telling me: "Trust me, Jana. Lean not on your own understanding."
I hate that because when I understand the cause of something, I can usually fix it or at least feel some element of control in my sufferings, but this season of my life has been nothing less than a hurricane...
an F5 tornado...
a transfer truck collision...
a disabling disease without remedy...
a shattering of my jar of clay on the floor of confusion, disappointment, and pain.
Welcome to the Wasteland, for that is what I am. I never thought God would want me here, in this desert, parched and dry, with nothing but a memory of water. What can he do with a ruin of rubble? I thought my plans were his plans--to become a doctor along with my husband and bring medicine to the lost people of the world. All my life, I've strived hard with everything in me to please Him in order to become someone usable for his Kingdom, and well, he has surprised me with something I never saw coming. He caused, designed, or allowed me to be absolutely stripped clean of everything I once relied on and hoped for.
I have to believe that His hand is upon me, even now, and that he is doing something that will ultimately bring glory to His name. It's not how I would have planned it, but who knows the mind of God that we can instruct Him? I am dust in the winds of His mighty power, and I will settle where he lets me fall. It's uncomfortable to be in such a place of neediness, grief, and perplexity. But who can complain? What have I given to God that he should repay me?
Waiting on you in the Wasteland, God...not my will, but yours be done. I have no direction for the future, no plans, no job, no responsibilities. I'm just waiting on you.
My body is like a city that has been a warzone for several years. It appears as if a peace treaty has finally been signed, but the city looks like a ransacked wasteland. The fighting is over, I hope, but the city is in ruins. I feel like I have been wrecked in every part of my being. It's going to take a while for my body to rebuild, for my emotions to be sorted through, and my spiritual life to be recovered. My life has been so chaotic for so long, I don't recall normalcy. I have tasted discouragement, fear, and pain like I've never known before.
But I know that God is answering the prayers of believers everywhere, because I am starting to see improvements. I have to believe that God's love for me never changes, and he knows what's going on. I have no choice but to wait for Him. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a fighter. I've done and am doing all I know to do to restore health to my body, mind, and soul. I've done it all...exhausted the medical system, visited counselors, both spiritual and psychological, and I have asked hard questions of God in anger one moment and then I've found myself on my face in tears the next moment, begging Him for relief or at least a knowledge of his presence in the storm.
I don't know "why" all these things have happened in my life. There are too many layers for my finite mind to sort through. And everyone has their own idea of why I've been so sick for so long, which is normal...we as humans like to understand the "whys." I know that I sure have wrestled with God about it all, but I'll tell you what he seems to be telling me: "Trust me, Jana. Lean not on your own understanding."
I hate that because when I understand the cause of something, I can usually fix it or at least feel some element of control in my sufferings, but this season of my life has been nothing less than a hurricane...
an F5 tornado...
a transfer truck collision...
a disabling disease without remedy...
a shattering of my jar of clay on the floor of confusion, disappointment, and pain.
Welcome to the Wasteland, for that is what I am. I never thought God would want me here, in this desert, parched and dry, with nothing but a memory of water. What can he do with a ruin of rubble? I thought my plans were his plans--to become a doctor along with my husband and bring medicine to the lost people of the world. All my life, I've strived hard with everything in me to please Him in order to become someone usable for his Kingdom, and well, he has surprised me with something I never saw coming. He caused, designed, or allowed me to be absolutely stripped clean of everything I once relied on and hoped for.
I have to believe that His hand is upon me, even now, and that he is doing something that will ultimately bring glory to His name. It's not how I would have planned it, but who knows the mind of God that we can instruct Him? I am dust in the winds of His mighty power, and I will settle where he lets me fall. It's uncomfortable to be in such a place of neediness, grief, and perplexity. But who can complain? What have I given to God that he should repay me?
Waiting on you in the Wasteland, God...not my will, but yours be done. I have no direction for the future, no plans, no job, no responsibilities. I'm just waiting on you.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Who is to Blame?
I'm not naturally a very graceful person. I tend to run into most everything and injure myself frequently. So, I will go ahead and apologize for how awkward I will be as I learn to dance in this season of my life.
I guess now is as good of a time as ever to share the sorrows and sufferings that inspired me to start this blog. Disclaimer: the content found in these writings is contaminated by the limited perspective of a fallen human being and the emotions, thoughts, and struggles disclosed may often come across as depressing, shocking, or offensive--reader discretion is advised. This is honesty in the purest form I know it. You have been fairly warned.
Everyone experiences hardships in this life. There are no exceptions. However, it must be stated that the God who created everything is not the one to blame. If you are blaming him, as I have at times, you can save yourself some time and stop now. Blaming God for our brokenness and pain will never solve our problems. Blame is basically using someone else as an excuse for something for which you should take responsibility. Blame is one of the main reasons why things are messed up...have you ever heard the story?
In the beginning (because as humans, we are limited in understanding anything without a beginning and an end), the One True Creator God made everything perfect, lacking nothing to be desired. He signed his name to a world that was all good and to a man and woman who, because they knew they were fully loved, knew nothing but how to love well. The Bible tells us that the first two people were named Adam and Eve. As the story goes, they believed a lie from Satan that made them question God's goodness and guidelines for living, and they took a bite out of a piece of fruit that symbolized independence from God and everything that is opposite of who he is. What Adam and Eve didn't understand is God meant what he said when he told Adam that eating of such fruit would surely bring death. God gave them that command to protect them and preserve them.
It turns out, God knew a piece of the story that Adam and Eve didn't know, probably because he knew they couldn't handle it. A war had taken place in heaven, and one of God's angels named Lucifer decided that he wanted to be worshipped instead of worshipping God, so he led a rebellion against God. As punishment, God cast Lucifer down from heaven and terminated their fellowship because God cannot associate with any form of darkness. For as the Scriptures read, "God is light. In him, there is no darkness at all."
God knew that Satan would commit himself to stealing, killing and destroying all of his creation, so he gave Adam and Eve a big heads up. But Satan is the Father of Lies, which makes sense, because he's the opposite of God, who is Truth. Satan schemed up a plan to deceive Adam and Eve into distrusting and disobeying God--he told them that God was lying to them in order to keep them from being like Himself, knowing both good AND evil. Satan knew, from experience, that no one can handle the knowledge of evil and still be in fellowship with God.
Well, Eve took a huge bite out of evil, and she gave some to her husband Adam. And immediately, the damage took place. They felt naked and ashamed instead of fully accepted and loved (sound familiar?). They hid themselves to keep what they had done a secret, out of fear of punishment (hitting home yet?).But God found them, and in agony and sorrow, he asked Adam who had told them these lies. What did Adam do? He blamed Eve. There was no remorse or humility-just blame. God then questioned Eve as to why she would dishonor him in this way, and what did she do? She blamed Satan, who was represented by a snake in this story. What did Satan have to say for himself? We are never told. Why? Because he had already accomplished what he set out to accomplish. Mankind was now separated from God by the evil in their hearts. And no being can live apart from God...away from relationship with him, there is only death.
Have you ever wanted to blame Adam and Eve for the way the world has gone to pot? I've done that too. But the reality is, we would have made the same decision then, and we have made the same decision in our own lives. No one does what is right by nature, and no one seeks out God on his own accord. We can't blame God. He is the only reason we know life. He created us, and any student of the human body knows we are wonderfully made.
But back to the story--God knows everything, and he wouldn't have created us knowing the decision we were going to make in response to Satan's nonsense without having a plan to bring us back to him. That plan involved a mystery that we can only comprehend as well as a small child can put together a 1000 piece puzzle of a forest without ever having seen a tree.
God is more complex than anything we can fathom, but he has made every effort to reveal who he is to us in his word, the Bible. He tells us that he is three persons that communion together so closely that they converge as One being. God calls himself the Father. He has another part named Jesus whom he refers to as his Son, and the third part is known as the Counselor or Holy Spirit.
God decided to send his Son Jesus to come to earth, to take on flesh, and to die in our place to pay for all our evil so that we could walk with him again. God broke his perfect fellowship with himself to graft us back in. Our physical bodies will die--it doesn't take long for us to realize that our bodies are wearing out. Not only that, but the entire world will also wear out like an old garment. We are all groaning for redemption. And that liar, Satan, will be destroyed along with all evil!
At first, it's easy for us all to look forward to that day...the day when all the evil in the world is burned up forever, but here is the sobering reality: every one of us is a part of that evil to be destroyed.
The Bible puts it this way: All people have done evil and fallen short of the goodness of God (Romans 3:23). And the payment for evil is death (Romans 6:23). As one of my favorite rappers Lecrae puts it in the song "Truth":
"Some people say that God ain't real 'cause they don't see how a good God can exist with all this evil in the world. If God is real then He should stop all this evil, 'cause He's all-powerful right? What is evil though man? It's anything that's against God. It's anything morally bad or wrong. It's murder, rape, stealing, lying, cheating. But if we want God to stop evil, do we want Him to stop it all or just a little bit of it? If He stops us from doing evil things, what about lying, or what about our evil thoughts? I mean, where do you stop, the murder level, the lying level, or the thinking level? If we want Him to stop evil, we gotta be consistent, we can't just pick and choose. That means you and I would be eliminated right? Because we think evil stuff. If that's true, we should be eliminated! But thanks be to God that Jesus stepped in to save us from our sin! Christ died for all evilness! Repent, turn to Jesus man!"
Every human being deserves the punishment that awaits Satan because if we are honest with ourselves, each and every one of us chooses to live independently of God, which inevitably leaves a trail of wounded people in our path as we strive towards trying to make a name for ourselves.
It's also easy to feel false security in playing the Pharisee role...in other words, I know it's comfortable to compare the good things I do with all the bad things I see in others in order to feel good about myself. But Scripture makes it pretty clear that religion, when it becomes a set of rules alone without a relationship with God, actually angers God more than the worst of tax collectors.
Jesus describes it like this: "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin, but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains (John 9:41)." In other words, if you were willing to admit you are in need of God, I would be willing to be all you need, but instead, you claim to know God while acting against all that he stands for, and for that, your evil is yours to pay for.
...I am sharing all of this for a reason. I want to make sure that, before I talk about my struggles and questions, I make the commitment to never blame God or blame others. Those are two sure actions that have no chance of contributing to a remedy. I have to take full responsibility for my life. I cannot control the events that happen, but I can choose my response. To respond well, I admit I'll need help...Help from God and help from others who know him better than I do.
Sorry about the seriousness of this entry. I will follow my husband's advice and call this one a minefield. The next entry will be more of a dance.
I guess now is as good of a time as ever to share the sorrows and sufferings that inspired me to start this blog. Disclaimer: the content found in these writings is contaminated by the limited perspective of a fallen human being and the emotions, thoughts, and struggles disclosed may often come across as depressing, shocking, or offensive--reader discretion is advised. This is honesty in the purest form I know it. You have been fairly warned.
Everyone experiences hardships in this life. There are no exceptions. However, it must be stated that the God who created everything is not the one to blame. If you are blaming him, as I have at times, you can save yourself some time and stop now. Blaming God for our brokenness and pain will never solve our problems. Blame is basically using someone else as an excuse for something for which you should take responsibility. Blame is one of the main reasons why things are messed up...have you ever heard the story?
In the beginning (because as humans, we are limited in understanding anything without a beginning and an end), the One True Creator God made everything perfect, lacking nothing to be desired. He signed his name to a world that was all good and to a man and woman who, because they knew they were fully loved, knew nothing but how to love well. The Bible tells us that the first two people were named Adam and Eve. As the story goes, they believed a lie from Satan that made them question God's goodness and guidelines for living, and they took a bite out of a piece of fruit that symbolized independence from God and everything that is opposite of who he is. What Adam and Eve didn't understand is God meant what he said when he told Adam that eating of such fruit would surely bring death. God gave them that command to protect them and preserve them.
It turns out, God knew a piece of the story that Adam and Eve didn't know, probably because he knew they couldn't handle it. A war had taken place in heaven, and one of God's angels named Lucifer decided that he wanted to be worshipped instead of worshipping God, so he led a rebellion against God. As punishment, God cast Lucifer down from heaven and terminated their fellowship because God cannot associate with any form of darkness. For as the Scriptures read, "God is light. In him, there is no darkness at all."
God knew that Satan would commit himself to stealing, killing and destroying all of his creation, so he gave Adam and Eve a big heads up. But Satan is the Father of Lies, which makes sense, because he's the opposite of God, who is Truth. Satan schemed up a plan to deceive Adam and Eve into distrusting and disobeying God--he told them that God was lying to them in order to keep them from being like Himself, knowing both good AND evil. Satan knew, from experience, that no one can handle the knowledge of evil and still be in fellowship with God.
Well, Eve took a huge bite out of evil, and she gave some to her husband Adam. And immediately, the damage took place. They felt naked and ashamed instead of fully accepted and loved (sound familiar?). They hid themselves to keep what they had done a secret, out of fear of punishment (hitting home yet?).But God found them, and in agony and sorrow, he asked Adam who had told them these lies. What did Adam do? He blamed Eve. There was no remorse or humility-just blame. God then questioned Eve as to why she would dishonor him in this way, and what did she do? She blamed Satan, who was represented by a snake in this story. What did Satan have to say for himself? We are never told. Why? Because he had already accomplished what he set out to accomplish. Mankind was now separated from God by the evil in their hearts. And no being can live apart from God...away from relationship with him, there is only death.
Have you ever wanted to blame Adam and Eve for the way the world has gone to pot? I've done that too. But the reality is, we would have made the same decision then, and we have made the same decision in our own lives. No one does what is right by nature, and no one seeks out God on his own accord. We can't blame God. He is the only reason we know life. He created us, and any student of the human body knows we are wonderfully made.
But back to the story--God knows everything, and he wouldn't have created us knowing the decision we were going to make in response to Satan's nonsense without having a plan to bring us back to him. That plan involved a mystery that we can only comprehend as well as a small child can put together a 1000 piece puzzle of a forest without ever having seen a tree.
God is more complex than anything we can fathom, but he has made every effort to reveal who he is to us in his word, the Bible. He tells us that he is three persons that communion together so closely that they converge as One being. God calls himself the Father. He has another part named Jesus whom he refers to as his Son, and the third part is known as the Counselor or Holy Spirit.
God decided to send his Son Jesus to come to earth, to take on flesh, and to die in our place to pay for all our evil so that we could walk with him again. God broke his perfect fellowship with himself to graft us back in. Our physical bodies will die--it doesn't take long for us to realize that our bodies are wearing out. Not only that, but the entire world will also wear out like an old garment. We are all groaning for redemption. And that liar, Satan, will be destroyed along with all evil!
At first, it's easy for us all to look forward to that day...the day when all the evil in the world is burned up forever, but here is the sobering reality: every one of us is a part of that evil to be destroyed.
The Bible puts it this way: All people have done evil and fallen short of the goodness of God (Romans 3:23). And the payment for evil is death (Romans 6:23). As one of my favorite rappers Lecrae puts it in the song "Truth":
"Some people say that God ain't real 'cause they don't see how a good God can exist with all this evil in the world. If God is real then He should stop all this evil, 'cause He's all-powerful right? What is evil though man? It's anything that's against God. It's anything morally bad or wrong. It's murder, rape, stealing, lying, cheating. But if we want God to stop evil, do we want Him to stop it all or just a little bit of it? If He stops us from doing evil things, what about lying, or what about our evil thoughts? I mean, where do you stop, the murder level, the lying level, or the thinking level? If we want Him to stop evil, we gotta be consistent, we can't just pick and choose. That means you and I would be eliminated right? Because we think evil stuff. If that's true, we should be eliminated! But thanks be to God that Jesus stepped in to save us from our sin! Christ died for all evilness! Repent, turn to Jesus man!"
Every human being deserves the punishment that awaits Satan because if we are honest with ourselves, each and every one of us chooses to live independently of God, which inevitably leaves a trail of wounded people in our path as we strive towards trying to make a name for ourselves.
It's also easy to feel false security in playing the Pharisee role...in other words, I know it's comfortable to compare the good things I do with all the bad things I see in others in order to feel good about myself. But Scripture makes it pretty clear that religion, when it becomes a set of rules alone without a relationship with God, actually angers God more than the worst of tax collectors.
Jesus describes it like this: "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin, but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains (John 9:41)." In other words, if you were willing to admit you are in need of God, I would be willing to be all you need, but instead, you claim to know God while acting against all that he stands for, and for that, your evil is yours to pay for.
...I am sharing all of this for a reason. I want to make sure that, before I talk about my struggles and questions, I make the commitment to never blame God or blame others. Those are two sure actions that have no chance of contributing to a remedy. I have to take full responsibility for my life. I cannot control the events that happen, but I can choose my response. To respond well, I admit I'll need help...Help from God and help from others who know him better than I do.
Sorry about the seriousness of this entry. I will follow my husband's advice and call this one a minefield. The next entry will be more of a dance.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Choosing to Dance
This is my attempt to dance despite the many mines that have detonated inside me and around me on my journey through the mine-covered lands of this broken world.
In the afterglow of the bombs that have burst, you will find me wrestling with the shears of metal that remain buried in my body and soul. I know what it's like to stand paralyzed in fear of taking another step, as my bleeding wounds warn me of what mines may await my next move.
But this blog is a commitment to myself, my champion husband, and my God that nothing shy of dancing in this minefield is sufficient. To stand still may feel safe, but it is a feigned security because in doing so, you are robbed of any hopes of having purpose, joy, or impacting the lives of anyone else.
I know you too have experienced immobilizing pain that cripples, shames, discourages, and enslaves--would you be willing to take the next step with me? From one simple life to another, would you dare to dance? I promise, you won't be alone.
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